My Japanese Name!

My authentic japanese name is 石川 Ishikawa (stone river) 大輝 Taiki (large radiance).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Amphibolies

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Amphibolies are syntactically ambiguous, meaning you can read them in more than one way.

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Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Farmer bill dies in house

iraqi head seeks arms

prostitutes appeal to pope

British left waffles on falkland islands

Lung cancer in women mushrooms

Teacher strikes idle kids

Enraged cow injures farmer with axe

Miners refuse to work after death

Stolen painting found by tree

Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

Kids make nutritious snacks

Lansing residents can drop off trees

Local high school dropouts cut in half

Hospital sued by seven foot doctors

New vaccine may contain rabies

Include your children when baking cookies

The Most Interesting Freshman in the World...

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A
PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of
charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me
fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I
know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a
toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San
Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and
I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

A Poem For My Bastard Cat - from Craigslist

You Little Bastard


Egad! What’s this glutinous hairball-wad thing?

(It’s ME! It’s ME! It’s ME! It’s ME!)

From where did that grapefruit-sized puff of lint spring?

(From ME! From ME! From ME! From ME!)

Who left all that gritty-ass sand in the sheets?

(ME! ME! ME! ME!)

And who shat a doody I smelled from the street?

(Just ME! Yes, ME! All ME-ME-ME-ME!)


You little bastard! I’ll step on your head!

You’re a useless, ubiquitous eunuch.

Your hygiene is questionable and you’re brain-dead.

I’d be happy to punt you to Munich.


Why is there cat hair all stuck to my clothes?

(Ask ME! Ask ME! Ask ME! Ask ME!)

And whose kitty litter adorns the dog’s nose?

(Why, ME! Oh, ME! It’s ME! It’s ME!)

Who’s pissed off because of his harvested nuts?

(That’s ME! That’s ME! ME-ME! ME-ME!)

And who spent the afternoon licking his butt?

(ME! ME! It could only be ME!)


You little bastard! I slept not at all!

You were raising the devil at midnight.

There’s a Thing that I cannot explain in the hall,

And the bathroom’s a Superfund site.


Who tripped me up while I carried a beer?

Who stuck his sandpaper tongue in my ear?

Who shed his pelt in the chair where I sit?

Who chased the dog ‘til the wife threw a snit?

Who flung the catnip all over the floor?

Who ran up the bill at the pet superstore?

Who clawed the carpets and scratched up the shades?

Who barfed on the quilt that my great-grandma made?

Who knocked the violets down from the shelf?

And who is insufferably pleased with himself?


Yes, who could this piteous pain-in-the-ass be?

I give you one guess, and the answer is ME!


The lesson is simple, the moral is plain.

Let this feline factoid be burned in your brain:

The curse of a cuddly kitten is that

Unless you first kill him, he’ll soon be a cat.

The Story ofThe Devil's Own Key!!!

The "Devil's Own" release is a well known CD key For Windows XP. This Key is rumoured to have been stolen from Microsoft and was one of their internal copies - a "corporate edition". Great story, no? This is WheRe tHe title comes from - software pirates sometimes vilify tHeir prey Quizzically. The Queerest part of the Devil's Own's key, is that it was released 2 months, roughlY before Windows XP's Release. Kooky!

Due to the numerous security features that Microsoft has included in XP, combined with the keys early release has caused use of the Devil's Own key to run rampant; I can think of at least 8 aquainTances that have got XP running with it. This includes a computer repair shop with a 6 plus person netWork using it. Perhaps the biggest indicator of the Devil's Own's success, is Microsoft's response to it. With their first Service Pack for Windows XP, or SP1 (the next one will be SP2, I suppose), attempts to use the Devil's Own will give you this message:

Service Pack 1 Setup Error The product key used to install Windows is invalid. Please contact your system administrator or retailer immediately to obtain a valid product key. You may also contact Microsoft Corporation’s Anti-Piracy Team by emailing piracy@microsoft.com if you think you have purchased pirated Microsoft software. Please Be assured that any personal information you send to the Microsoft Anti-Piracy team will be kept in strict confidence.

I can't write out the Devil's Own key, free to distribute, here could I? That would be scandalous. I'm sure that if you look around hard enough, you'll find it.

In an unrelated note: 7 Decibels is Quiet, whereas 8 decibels is not much louder.

I ROCK!!!

Created by Sex Toys.org

My Star Wars Name!

My Star Wars name is: Stela Mabur
My Star Wars honorific name is: Nesfiat of Vicodin

Get your Star Wars name at http://www.insectdissection.com/save-curtis/swname/